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of people who will not be slaves again...
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[Aug. 29th, 2009|01:48 pm] |
A/N: Prompt: Forever and a Day. What happens on those days the world seems to fall apart…
Redox and Redux…
“Did you really try?” A hand pulled back stray flowing curls away from a pallid face streaked with tears.
A pair of light brown eyes briefly glanced upwards. “Yeah. At least my conscience can rest with that fact.”
“Well, that’s good for you,” said the girl to her friend. “I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m going to do in my case. It’s not bad, but it’s not that great either.”
“You’re not going to fail organic chemistry,” said the lanky boy as he rested his elbows on his knobby knees. “It’ll take an adjustment or a miracle for me to pass programming class.”
Now she shook her head. “You’re good at it. Or getting better at least. I wish these things made sense to me. I really can’t afford to fail. Literally.”
“You’re smart. You keep saying you’ll fail and you never come close to it,” he pointed out a little balefully. He scuffed his sneakers for a moment before looking at her again. “It’s different if you’re in engineering.”
“You’re having fun. I hate my pre-med sometimes.”
“Then shift.”
She sighed, letting her breath escape even the very recesses of her lungs and travel into the warm August air. “I wish I could. Maybe I should have. I’m in third year already and I can’t.”
“I almost did,” he admitted, his smile turning wry. “It was my freshman year, and I got the forms and everything. I just decided not to.”
Her eyes widened at this sudden revelation. “What made you decide to stay?”
“I want to do something great,” he said calmly.
“I want to help others,” she murmured.
“Alright then,” he said, reaching for the crumpled papers at their feet. He tossed them one after another into the rubbish bin near the chapel. “Let’s start over.” |
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| Comments: |
First, let me say I'm terribly sorry for not getting this done earlier. A few things came up that I couldn't control and I've not had any time.
First, I really like the entry. I only saw one thing I might suggest. Early on, I'd hint (or outright) give the ages of the two having the conversation. It took me awhile to realize that you were having a discussion about them studying in college. Where I come from, we have high schools that specialize, as well. So, you might want to give a little context.
Hello, I'm Kelly, and one of your editors for this week.
Wow, I know how hard it is to choose to change or stick with your major in college. I personally changed my major my freshman year, and am glad of it... Orgo is torture!
I like the ending to the story; however, I feel like there isn't very much substance. The conversation felt really rushed to me. It read: "Man, I'm gonna fail." "Nah, you're smart." "No, I'm really gonna fail." "No, you'll be fine." Most of the conversation was a little stale and chunky, though it got better at the end with the revelation of wanting to "do something great--" which I can personally relate to, because I, too, want to become someone who affects the world in some way. I would suggest separating the conversation with descriptive text describing what they're doing, how they're acting, how they know each other, etc.
Overall, the end was much, much stronger than the beginning. The beginning was too hurried, as if you were rushing to get to the important part. Remember to take your time, and that every part is just as important as the next. When editing your own work, read through at the pace you want us to read it at, and see if it's hard to stay at the right tempo.
Finally, this is a pet peeve of mine, and can be disregarded, as it's technically correct, but: "All right," not "alright." Though "alright" has relatively recently been added to the dictionary, traditionalist, I am, and that I will stay.
Hope this was helpful, Kelly
Aww:) It does help to try to keep focused on the deeper reasons of why we are in college. This piece really spoke to me because I, too, am back in college at the age of 31 and am getting stressed out by tests.
I really like how you spun this story, starting from the very ordinary and moving to the profound.
And like the shift from the "profound" ideas of why to learn back to the ordinary (crumbled papers and rubbish.)
I like how you end it with what we all want to do in life sometimes, even in areas that aren't college. Sometimes we all need to feel the hope to "start over."
I enjoyed this story.
Please keep writing and sharing, you definitely have a gift! And stay your course if you, too, are one in college. You will get there one day! | |
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